By Japan Broadcasting . net 【JB】Editorial team
Today, in this unimportant editorial, we would like to interview Samurai Yujiro, which is one of the pen names of Mr. Yujiro Taniyama. Recently, the unremarkable Japanese author released his latest novel of black humor and satire; “The Vagina Busters” (Shogun Experience). According to some unverified sources, the book is already a massive Christmas New Year hit.
JB Editorial Team (JB): Hello sir. And thank you for coming to our insignificant interview.
Samurai Yujiro (Y): It is my honor sir. B grade Samurais are fond of two things in particular. Harakiri and interviews.
JB: Is that so?
Y: Oh yes. I am an insignificant person.
JB: Please don’t say that (laughs)
Y: I’m just saying the truth
JB: Never mind (stops laughing)
Y: (Bows like a timorous servant from the middle ages, around the 1570’s)
JB: First of all, in our brand new program ‘Interviewing the Author’, we would like to ask you an important question sir.
Y: Which is?
JB: Did you copulate this morning?
Y: No. Absolutely not. (Blushes)
JB: That was unthought of (shrugs). Because all of our editorial staffs had reckoned that you reproduce on a daily basis.
Y: Well my three trillion cells and blood cells always do. But not my phallic soldier.
JB: Oh I see. That is quite alright. (Sits upright)
Y: As a matter of fact, copulation and reproduction are two different matters as far as I am concerned. We humans have invented carnal activity that is irrelevant to reproduction. Doing it merely for pleasure.
JB: Now sir, as a starter may I (we) ask why you wrote your work of art; an art of fabulous joy and impropriety, ‘The Vagina Busters’?
Y: That is a good question.
JB: Really? Why?
Y: Because anything good needs no reasoning. It’s just simply ‘good’.
JB: Oh (dubious leer)
Y: To answer your mighty question, let me say that I wrote the book to bust the world.
JB: Conquer, you mean?
Y: Absolutely. To count on precocious schoolgirls to arrest those that are not good. The bad. For them to save the planet.
JB: I see. You sound like Hard Rock Cafe sir.
Y: They copied me, not the other way around.
JB: First of all, we all read ‘The Vagina Busters’, even our AI correspondents.
Y: That is brilliant. I am humbly appreciative. (Stand up and bows deep thrice)
JB: And it was fabulously silly and nasty to be honest sir. Personally, I learned that pornography through graphic images is obsolete. That an impeccable carnality must be ‘read’ through words, through libidinous imagination.
Y: That may lead to glorious masturbation.
Y: Well said. Porn videos are for low class rats and creatures.
JB: (coughs) Now sir, going back to where we were; when you say the ‘bad’, you’re obviously referring to the ‘strange entity’ in the book. Correct?
Y: Correct. But that’s not all sir. As we all live in an imperfect world that was created by imperfect ‘God’, the wicked is ubiquitous. They’re everywhere.
JB: Talking about God, you do challenge the incoherency and the fallacy of the church, don’t you sir?
Y: Indeed I do. But I do so with a sense of incoherent sense of decency and humor. Well that’s what I intend to do, to say the least. Animosity towards catholic monks I do not have, for they’ve never molested me since I was a schoolboy.
JB: Ahahaha! (Horselaughs everyone in the room) You do mock the authorities and the powerful institutions in the book in numerous occasions. And that in quite a hilarious way. The title of the book is already a fabulously funny metaphor.
Y: Excuse me sir, it is not a metaphor (in a serious tone). Vagina is a vagina. Nothing less, nothing more.
JB: Please do excuse me for my misunderstanding.
Y: That is quite alright. About 49% of the global population are proud owners of pudendal canals, and by no means is ‘vagina’ an explicit term. Nor is the organ sanctimonious. We all enter the world from the carnal opening and therefore in our community of freedom of speech, the term should be used openly and freely, treated with honor and respect.
JB: I see (nods).
Y: Censorship, is what I detest the most. On the other hand, freedom is the bedrock of a truly fruity life. Without freedom, I’ll suffocate in three seconds.
JB: And vibrate
Y: No. That’s a spasmodic bodily elation. Quite the opposite.
JB: Excuse me sir.
Y: You’re excused.
JB: Talking about censorship, there’s a part in the book where you mention not the facial-recognition, but the horrendous ‘pudendal recognition’.
Y: Vagina recognition
JB: Yes, that’s the right term. Vagina recognition. Pretty much awful isn’t it sir? Such a prosecuting sort of censorship, to implant a microchip in female perineum in the ‘strange entity’ is not only gross but a clear violation of human rights.
Y: And pudendal rights. Scary isn’t it? Oh, to be exact, the chips are implanted not inside the pussy but between the vulva and the anal canal.
JB: Sorry sir, sorry. (Coughs)
Y: It is quite alright.
JB: Mr. Yujiro, then should we interpret ‘The Vagina Busters’ as a novel whose rather hidden theme is censorship, human rights and the so called the ‘pudendal genocide’? A deep, surreptitious topic, that is.
Y: As deep as a vagina (grins like a perverted Father Confessor)
JB: (nodding) Apparently sir, you do come up with all these silly, unconventional phrases like ‘pudendal genocide’ and ‘vaginal dream’. Where you on drugs when you wrote it?
Y: (bursting in laughter) Unfortunately not sir. How incredibly easy it must have been if I could work on the art puffing opium made in Afghanistan all the way long! But sadly, possession of cocaine and marijuana is an illicit act in my country.
Y: Is that where I live?
JB: We….believe so sir (staffs side glances each other. Robots too)
Y: Well my passport does say ‘Japan’ on the front page, but the notion that my glorious identity is attached to such an inglorious island ‘state’ is nothing but a nonsense.
Y: Correct. I belong to the planet earth. Not a stinking boring and aging islet of cleanness and lewdness.
JB: And the great Phallos Festivals?
Y: Ah that too (sighs)
JB: At any rate, Mr. Taniyama, the role that not only the lustful teenyboppers but also Hinduism and Buddhism plays in ‘The Vagina Busters’ is excruciating crucial we believe. Isn’t it so?
Y: Yes and no. Kama-sutra should definitely be designated as an official textbook for PE classes in public schools. Now, it was one of my latent objectives to covey to the reader that ‘Buddhism’ must not, and should not be understood in a conventional, single-phased dimension.
JB: Which means?
Y: Largely, Buddhism ought to be categorized in either Theravada or Mahayana. Small vehicle and a big vehicle.
JB: Please continue sir.
Y: (nodding and farting inconspicuously, soundless) While Gotama Buddha, the former secular prince turned sage founder of Buddhism was born in 5 B.C, the world had to wait for another 500 years for Buddhism to become a popular, acceptable form for the ordinary people.
JB: The Indians, you mean.
Y: Yes, the people of ‘Northern India’. Nepal today, mainly. Buddha was born in the hamlet of Lumpini.
JB: Lumpini park!
Y: Wait, that’s a smoggy dog feces polluted park in Bangkok.
Y: But that’s alright.
JB: But why did we have to wait for five centuries sir?
Y: Good question. Because the original teachings of Buddha, or Theravada, was just too strict. Ridiculously harsh. You had to walk 50km a day, shave your head and pubes, no eating meat, no sex, no wife, no alcohol. No nothing!
JB: Intolerable (sighs, as all nod. Even the AI correspondents meaning humanoids).
Y: Correct. So the ‘ordinary people’ couldn’t stand it, making original Buddhism an unpopular cult. And to alleviate these ‘strictness of celibacy’, a man by the name of Nagarjna came up with a brand new interpretation in 1A.D.
JB: Was he an Indian too?
Y: Not a Pakistani that’s for sure because it was before 1947. This remarkable sage sort of blended Buddha’s original teachings with Brahmanism, that later became known as ‘Hinduism’.
JB: And that’s what we today call ‘Mahayana Buddhism’ sir?
Y: You’ve done your homework. The Brahmanism deities for example Vishnu and Indra were incorporated by Nagarjuna as ‘Buddhist Gods’ or ‘God-like characters’
JB: Characters? That’s like a Manga sir.
Y: Indeed it is. And that’s because in original Buddhism, the Western concept of ‘God’ doesn’t exist. Buddha simply taught his disciples that ‘detachment’ is the key, for this world is all about pain and agony. 生老病死 – The pain of being born, the pain of aging, the pain of diseases and the pain of death. Losing the beloved ones. And in order to overcome such sufferings, one had to ‘detach’ themselves from not only kin but all sorts of desires from Sigmund Freud’s libido, material possessions as well as overwhelming appetite for beef steaks.
JB: That surely ain’t easy sir (nods, nibbling chocolates)
Y: Detachment to the beloved ones was preached too.
JB: Why’s that sir?
Y: Because losing those you love, Buddha knew was very very painful. Intolerable. But still, he knew that death was unavoidable.
JB: (unresponsive and unspeakable)
Y: (takes out a mini bottle of blended Irish whiskey from the inner pocket and takes a quick sip)
JB: Lastly sir
Y: Already? Is the time running out?
JB: Yes. I am profusely sorry sir.
Y: That’s quite alright. Go on.
JB: Okay, lastly, as far as our editorial team is concerned, to make a long story short, your masterpiece ‘The Vagina Busters’ is a sickeningly original adventurous sci-fi that is emphatically seeking for a way to circumvent war; to mock the stupidity of the men inflicting military violence on each other. And you seem to unequivocally imply that it is the pussy, the vagina, the mighty vulva that is the sole lethal weapon that could stop the terrible clash. So are you a pacifist Mr. Yujiro?
Y: The Greek sage Aristophanes 2,500 years ago was probably so. But not me sir.
JB: Why? Fanny and ‘the protagonist’ or the irresistible schoolchild struggle so hard to conquer happiness and peace of mankind in the story. Isn’t that so?
Y: Ahahaha! (Blushes but farts, this time shamelessly with a sound) I am not a pacifist, but merely a humorist that abhors spilling unnecessary blood. Moreover, I despise how you nonchalantly use the word ‘happiness’. There are so many unhappy people across the planet, from refugees, orphans, those who lost their beloved families due to the ongoing killer pandemic and other horrific calamities. A useless bonehead you must be to mumble ‘happiness’ when it is unachievable for so many indigent and the unfortunate. That all said, to bring true unity and hope to this reality of pains and sufferings, I believe that the best and the fastest way to make this planet a better place to live is to debunk lies and fallacies of those with power, pelf and possessions. Because low thinking and high living is all they care for.
JB: (all overwhelmed) Low …..thinking, and high living…
Y: Lah! Low TINKing….. just like me
JB: Really? Come on sir (pokes the nipples. The interviewer by the way, has incidentally turned out to be one of the precocious youngling-crew of the ‘cock suggestive’ ship depicted in ‘The Vagina Busters’)
Y: Sorry gotta go take a massive flatulence. You’re in a serious danger. May I leave?
JB: (quickly putting on a handmade mask, not ‘gas’) Yes, yes, the door is that way. Do leave. Now, please. Out!”
However, as the author made his next move, a cataclysmic methane-gas explosion ignited through his anal canal is discernible, as the clean editorial room is now full of toxic smog. Nobody but the initiator seems to have survived.