Samurai Yujiro, Japan Broadcasting.net carnal-appetite correspondent

Every morning, my diminutive Bellend is insolent like the American prison guards.

As every human has an anus, every man has a penis. I was probably twelve or thirteen years of age, when I had first learned that there’s a fresh vegetable that went by the name ‘Morning Glory’. Bangkok in the mid 1980’s was dirty as hell, but at the same time indisputably brilliant; for the rule was that ‘there were no rules’. My 8th grade classmates at International School of Bangkok (ISB, the first and the oldest school for Gaijins in Thailand) were healthily spoiled; drink-driving daddy’s car on Friday nights and weekends. And the lewd Samurai cherry-boy knocking the door to adolescence was apprehensive 24/7, absolutely ignorant about the nature of libido of any kind.

But I was, or am no exception.

There’s a popular Thai beer called ‘LEO’ today. A can is merely 38 Baht, or USD$1.3. And it goes without saying that the Russian legend Leo Tolstoy was widely known for his bottomless sexual appetite throughout his entire life.

Sex is not considered a sin in the Land of the Rising Penis. Nippon, that is of course. If you don’t believe me, just join the renowned “Tagata Penis Festival” in Nagoya that is scheduled to take place in mid March. Gosh the Japanese are pervy.

However, Tolstoy was a devout Russian orthodox. Chastity and abstinence was seen as an indispensable element; for those Christians that were eager to enter ‘heaven’ after death. So poor Leo struggled daily with a bottle of cheap Vodka in his left hand – while he allegedly occasionally masturbated with the right.

What is a phallus?

In this Bollox editorial, my goal is to contemplate on interminable carnal appetite. To my great reader, I shall warn you NOT to read this post if you are ostensibly and ridiculously prudish like some ‘catholic priests’ or social media regulators.

Talking about penis and vagina is truly a serious issue here, for ‘god’ has given us each when we unilaterally enter this world.

And to begin with, as a natural born Bellend, I must admit that I’m no Saint but a vulgar, repugnant two-legged animal that is armed with lust ‘Made in the Land of the Rising Penis’. Whenever I drink a few little cups of Sake – or an alcohol made of malted rice, rice and water, the “animal switch” is automatically turned on.

Inscrutable.

Now, obviously I’m no big fan of the self-serving despot Mr.Vladimir Putin; and neither am I a follower of Russian orthodox like the bald Russian President or Tolstoy. However still I ask myself, “Am I sinful?”.

To my genuine Christian readers; “Do you regard yourself as a sinful bastard?”

If lust is unscrupulous, then why does the nature provide us with it?! Why do so many Gaijin tourists purchase superbly manufactured dildos ‘Made in Japan’ in Akihabara before heading home?! (The majority are men, but the Bellend has spotted quite a few ladies too at these naughty sex shops)

Intricate as the whole issue is, there are no answers. I mean, why do our enigmatic Bellends balloon when the switch is turned on in the first place?

But I do know one thing for certain. That is, that my phallic symbol is quite smaller than that which was once owned by Mr.Leo Tolstoy. The unparalleled genius was a bloody Russian after all. The Nippon gins in general have diminutive cock compared to the Occidentals as far as I’m concerned.

But BIM guess what, we are ‘harder’.


‘Japan Penis Tour’

About 16 years ago, I took a 「日本列島横断 秘宝館の旅」 – “Japan Penis Tour” , from the northernmost island of Whore-Kyle-Dough (Hokkaido), all the way down south to Q-shoe (Kyushu island).

Let me boast to you great reader, that until this very day in 2020 – I am the only Bellend in the country that has accomplished such an unthinking, ludicrous endeavor.

It was in shivering chilly winter I recall, and the whole city of Sapporo was covered with deep snow. The Bellend back then was a reporter for a naughty-variety Friday night TV show “Yoruda Monde” on Nagoya Television network (de facto Toyota owned). Mr.Wakugawa was the chubby director/cameraman in his 20’s.

Our job was to visit and conquer all the 「秘宝館」 – or ‘Hihoukan’ across the country, as well as Shinto shrines that enshrine ‘Penises’. Hihoukan by the way, is a sort of an obscene and lewd ‘sex museum’ – totally intrinsic and Japanese by nature. Boost in domestic tourism in the 1970’s saw a rapid rise of its construction in Onsen (hot spring) towns and villages nationwide. There must have been hundreds if not thousands. But after Nippon’s notorious ‘Bubble economy’ burst in the 1990’s, many went bankrupt and were forced to shut down.

So by 2003 or 2004, there were only twenty or so “Pervert Museums” left across Japan.

“Go Yujiro! Eroticism matters. Go and get them all! This is our very last chance to record our unique and obscene sex culture on the verge of extinction!!” – shouted the acclaimed producer Mr.Toshihiro Jindo.

Indeed it was.

In hindsight, the Samurai Bellend was indisputably the ‘last Samurai’ to witness the “house of irrefutable lewdness” – ever built by mankind. At Sapporo Hihoukan (shut down soon after the shooting) , as we entered the dim museum there was a massive wooden penis probably around 7 meters long, and width of 50cm. “Yappeeeeeeee!” – to my joy and astonishment, there were four or five naughty and jolly college girls ‘riding’ on this colossal phallus as they screamed vigorously. Neither was it a “Big Thunder Mountain” in Euro-Disneyland or “Water World Ride” in Osaka Universal studios; but a pure ‘Penis Ride’.

“How do you feel? How do you feeeeeeeel?” – the stupid and shallow minded reporter would interview them. “Psycho!”(Saiko/最高)was their immediate reply, I remember. Saiko, by the way means great in Japanese.

At the once famous Kinugawa Hihoukan in Tochigi prefecture (about two hours express train ride northeast of Tokyo, deep in the mountains), we were welcomed by ‘ORYU’(お竜)- a super beautiful woman doll that shamelessly revealed her bare breasts.

Meticulously well built and real, it was no wonder that the repugnant Bellend was absolutely infatuated with her for the next 90 days. ORYU had even appeared in one of my kinky dreams. Just as for your knowledge, she’s a ‘professional gambler’ – and that explains why the Kimono girl has lots of money in her hands.

And in order to deliver the big picture of now extinct culture of Hihoukan to the global audience, let me borrow some pictures from the generous Nippon gin bloggers and Bellends. (Courtesy: Arigato Gozaimass to all the photographers! Bow 編集部注:写真をお撮りになった方々、我が国の偉大なる秘宝館文化を世界に広めるため、ちょっと無断にてお借りします。深く御礼もうしあげます)

This is surely a ‘Samurai Bellend’ copulating with a nun. Please also focus on upper right; in the Tatami-mat room next door, another pair is making love. Baffling.

Next comes Leo Tolstoy or allegedly the 16th century warlord ‘Toyotomi Hideyosssi’, and his promiscuous nymphs.

I recall having seen this ‘showcase’ with my naked eyes. These dolls are not miniatures, but full-sized monsters. Strikingly real. Fantastic.

Now, here’s the question for you.

What on earth do you think that this Kimono-girl is doing?!?!? Think as deep as Socrates. The lewd figure seems to be rubbing her vagina with her beautiful right hand. The ‘answer’ shall be given to you later on. Please do be patient.

The reporter believes that the model of this display is Marilyn Monroe.

And what do we make of it?! I honestly don’t have a clue. As a matter of fact, I remember having spotted quite a few ‘fake Marilyns’ throughout the whole ‘Japan Penis Tour’. But never did I see an alleged ‘JFK’ or his brother.

Mrs. Monroe is universal indeed.

Irrefutably dumb and hilarious.

My guess is, that this display depicts a vulgar aroused peasant that has inadvertently penetrated the “Shouji” paper wall with his Johnson. The Bellend is so shameless that he is nowhere near repentent like Mr. Harvey Weinstein. On the contrary, the bloke seems totally ‘open’ – showing off his thingy.

“Sex is not sinful in Nippon”, remember?!

But as far as I am concerned, the phallus is ‘Russian Tolstoy size’ and unrealistic. Too big for a Japanese national, unfortunately.

Stone penises on display. They are virtually all ‘Gods’ in Shinto standards. The symbol of fertility and encountering good partner(s) of opposite sex.

And finally comes the answer to the famous “Yoco Incident”.

OMB! (Oh My Bellend)

That’s right. Yoco was nothing but a passionate slut! Not only was she just a peeping-Tom, but the naughty girl was a masturbator!

This is how Kinugawa Hihoukan (shut down in 2014) used to look in good ol’ times. Two floors. A typical Hihoukan was about this size, that of a small gym.


Conclusion

Indescribably enigmatic as they were, I miss them quite a lot these days.

The objective or why these Hihoukans were built remains unclear till this very day, but one thing for certain is that it all somehow resonated with Japanese mindset for nearly 3 decades. The term Onsen was synonymous for ‘Hihoukan’ back in the 70’s and the 80’s, I had learned. And if the impeccable novelist Tolstoy had for at least just once experienced one of these obscene but enjoyable entertainment, my understanding is that it may have mitigated his ‘endless struggle against carnal appetite’.

If sex is a sin in the West, that’s not the case in Nippon.

And the Bellend is surely despondent on how the great Gaijin tourists from abroad – including YOU, have been deprived of the chance to feel this world of obscene nudity and stupidity. There’s one in Atami and another in Ikaho onsen still, but the ‘vibe’ has perished in either of them too.

And in conclusion, let me point out the fact that the famous Kimono girl or a nymph “ORYU” was kidnapped by some thug after the shutdown of Kinugawa Hihoukan, and has never been seen ever since. It inevitably led to an uproar and outcry among her fans (including myself).

It is another Agatha Christie or Harry Potter mystery on how, and why she has vanished from public. There are unconfirmed rumors that ORYU escaped on her will, and is living happily as a professional gambler in Las Vegas.

Anyhow, ladies and gentlemen, if you happen to coincidentally find her at a Ramen shop while traveling across Nippon, please do let me know. The owner is a ruthless human-trafficker. (For the Japanese, humans, mascot dolls and Manga-characters are of same social status)

The discovery shall be historic.